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Despite our best efforts, we often find ourselves readily believing everything our friends post on their social media feeds.

Regardless of any nuance that may exist offline, our friends鈥� cheery, filtered posts show them feeling loved, seeing their loved ones every day, and never fighting or struggling to get their emotional needs met. They seem to move through the world with ease and community, having found their people when they were 2 years old and retained their friendships for the remainder of their lives. Therefore, those of us who have friendships that aren鈥檛 always as seamless feel like we are definitely failing. 

What we forget when we do this is that there鈥檚 a social pressure to show each other that we belong, and that we are doing everything the 鈥渞ight way.鈥� It鈥檚 not just you who feels that pressure. It鈥檚 also the very friends to whom we鈥檙e comparing ourselves. While we may know this on some level, once we start mindlessly scrolling鈥攁s these platforms as often as possible鈥攚e begin to take our friends鈥� posts at face value. 

We forget that this post about a 鈥減erfect birthday party鈥� might not be the whole story, because we鈥檙e not detectives looking for lies in the innocuous posts of our loved ones. But it鈥檚 important to remember they鈥檙e not 鈥渓ies鈥�; most people tend to project perfection and gloss over the hard stuff when they鈥檙e posting online. Unfortunately, what happens when people fall into that habit is that the rest of us feel like we鈥檙e failing in comparison鈥攁nd we鈥檙e failing alone. 

This feeling of comparison and the accompanying loneliness and shame that it brings inspired me to write my 2023 book, . When my book was first published, I was shocked that so many people told me they felt this shame and loneliness too. They whispered to me, 鈥淚 always think everyone but me has great friends they鈥檝e known for 80 years and never struggle in their friendships. I didn鈥檛 know anyone else was feeling that way too.鈥� 

While it鈥檚 true that most of us are struggling, many people aren鈥檛 going to post when they鈥檙e crying at 2 a.m. over a friend breakup, when they鈥檙e having a fight with a friend, or when they鈥檙e hit with anxiety that a friend of theirs didn鈥檛 like their posts lately and must therefore be upset with them. They鈥檙e going to post when they see their friends in person (possibly for the first time in weeks or months) and are still riding that high from finally feeling connected to others. Still, we can鈥檛 know the complex backstory of that celebratory post. Our perception is that they鈥檙e succeeding and we鈥檙e failing. That may be because we haven鈥檛 met our people yet, or our friendships don鈥檛 look exactly like that, or our friendships are kind of weird and strained right now and we don鈥檛 have as much community as we need. 

So, what can we do other than ask all our friends to include detailed facts about the overall health of 鈥渕y girls,鈥� and if they鈥檝e ever had some seriously messy shit go down in their friend group that might make us feel a little better about our own friendships? The complex but simple answer is that we have to be kinder to ourselves when we鈥檙e scrolling. But how can we soothe ourselves when we鈥檙e scrolling and it feels like we鈥檙e really drowning and everyone else is sailing on a pristine yacht?

When I find myself in that space, I remind myself that I don鈥檛 know the detailed interactions between people and that only those who truly know their friendships are the ones within them. For all I know, that friendship is on its last legs or that group has two people in it who hate the other two. And while I absolutely don鈥檛 wish that on them, or hope someone is hurting, my point is that it鈥檚 important to entertain more than one possibility when we鈥檙e stuck in that comparison spiral.

Once we remove the shame of 鈥渢hey鈥檙e right, I鈥檓 wrong鈥� from our brains, we have more space to nurture our own friendships and our own communities at our own pace. It鈥檚 hard to do that when you鈥檙e beating yourself up. So once you鈥檝e talked yourself down from the ledge, ask yourself: How can I reach out to the friends I do have or want to have? How can I connect with them further? How can I find more joy in the friendships I have? How can I set more boundaries and communicate better with them? And perhaps: How can I let go of the friendships that aren鈥檛 making me truly happy? 

As soon as we finally stop comparing ourselves to the limited view we鈥檙e getting from other people posting about their friendships, we can truly be free to take that energy and put it toward what we really want: not envying a picture-perfect friendship that might not exist, but to finally, bravely, cultivate deeply nurturing friendships that鈥攅ven if they鈥檙e flawed鈥攁re absolutely real.