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This article was originally published by . It has been edited for YES! Magazine.

No matter how long you鈥檝e been politically conscious, you鈥檝e probably figured out by now that activists are by no means perfect. Even while we鈥檙e trying to end oppression, we can sometimes make some harmful mistakes ourselves.

So how do you address oppressive mistakes in your community?

Say you鈥檙e at a social justice event that鈥檚 promising in some ways but problematic in others.

What do you do? Take over the microphone and call out the organizers? Leave early and write a lengthy post on the Facebook event page about what they鈥檝e done wrong? Invite the hosts out to coffee to point out their errors?

All of these strategies have pros and cons. There鈥檚 no one 鈥渞ight鈥� way to address oppression in activist circles, which is why there have been many conversations among activists about approaches such as  and .

But one troubling trend can get in the way of our attempts to build a more just world together.

We want to diminish the harm of oppressive behavior.

In many ways, holding each other accountable has come to mean punishing each other. Sometimes it feels like we鈥檙e all competing on a hardcore game show, trying to knock each other down to be crowned the movement鈥檚 Best Activist.

It starts from a good place鈥攚e want to diminish the harm of oppressive behavior. We鈥檙e all feeling the toll of daily oppression, and when we鈥檙e around other people who are woke enough to recognize this, we want to hold each other to a higher standard.

And we absolutely should be able to influence each other to be better. This helps our communities grow together, adds to our positive influence on the world around us, and helps each of us build the safe spaces we deserve.

But I want to focus on a specific type of holding each other accountable that shows up when we鈥檙e acting not just out of love for ourselves and our communities, but out of fear and pain.

It鈥檚 鈥減erforming activism鈥濃�攚hen we鈥檙e more worried about how we look to other activists than our larger vision of what we鈥檙e trying to build together.

Because we鈥檙e trying to build a more just world, right? One where we treat each other with respect, and have liberation instead of cycles of oppressive violence.

But sometimes we forget about that part, and in standing against oppression, we end up replicating the same harmful cycles.

There are other ways to address harm in our movements without all the pressure or fear.

It makes sense that we鈥檙e doing this鈥攅specially when the activists around us are doing it, too. If 滨鈥檓 afraid that other people are going to notice that 滨鈥檓 not a perfect activist, one way to divert the attention is to shame someone else for doing wrong.

Take the example of that less-than-perfect event you鈥檙e attending. The organizers are making mistakes that could hurt somebody, and you have every right to be upset. You might try any number of approaches to make your disappointment known.

You could even rally up a whole group of folks, in person and online, to wage a campaign and let the whole world know that the event鈥檚 organizers are doing activism all wrong. And the promising aspects of their event would be just a distant memory.

Anyone else who鈥檚 afraid of being associated with this wrongdoing might join in the attack, and together you鈥檇 all make sure the organizers never host an event again.

This approach stands up for people who are harmed, which is great. But if it includes shaming, isolating, and punishing the people responsible for causing harm, it also just repeats the same tactics of the systems of oppression we鈥檙e trying to move away from.

There are other ways to address harm in our movements鈥攚ithout all the pressure, or fear, or looking out for every opportunity to tear each other down in order to protect ourselves.

Here are some signs that you may be 鈥減erforming activism鈥� when you鈥檙e trying to hold someone accountable鈥攁nd how to refocus on the bigger picture instead.

1. You鈥檙e not focused on the outcome

Have you ever found yourself trying to get someone to understand that you鈥檙e upset with them鈥攚ithout really knowing what you want from them in return?

This experience is totally normal. You鈥檙e upset, and maybe you just need to get something off your chest. Maybe you need an apology, or a change in the other person鈥檚 behavior. Whatever it is you need, you won鈥檛 feel better until you get it.

When you鈥檙e communicating in your personal relationships, it to take a moment to figure out what would help you feel heard, if that鈥檚 possible. Partly because you deserve to be heard, and to have the other person respect your needs if they鈥檙e able.

The same principle applies to holding other activists accountable. Simply hearing that they鈥檝e upset you could very well be part of what you need鈥攊t鈥檚 important for them to be aware of the harm they鈥檝e caused.

However, I don鈥檛 know about you, but when I do nothing more than sit in the vulnerability of my hurt feelings, without actually reaching hope for a change at the end of it all, I end up exhausted.

White guilt is not productive for actually making a change.

One way to heal this emotional drain is to consider what change you鈥檙e hoping for. Do you actually want this person to learn and do better, or just to feel bad about what they did?

For instance, if 滨鈥檓 calling out a white person for their implicit racism, I know that . And I also know that white guilt  actual change.

I for their feelings, and it鈥檚 not my fault if they focus on their own guilt. But I can let them know that guilt isn鈥檛 what 滨鈥檓 requesting from them.

滨鈥檓 asking them to actually recognize the harm of their actions, and to try to do better. I know I can鈥檛 force them to do that, but at the very least, I can keep that goal in my own mind.

Then I鈥檒l be able to recognize if they refuse to be accountable, and choose not to cooperate with them if that鈥檚 the case. But if 滨鈥檓 going down the hopeless road of trying to shame or coerce them into listening to me, I鈥檒l try to pause and recognize that that鈥檚 not helping me reach my goal.

They鈥檒l either crumple in shame or try to silence me鈥攁nd I don鈥檛 need that in my life. What I need are people who are willing to recognize their mistakes and commit to doing better.

2. You鈥檙e not choosing your battles based on what鈥檚 best for the community involved

There鈥檚 a common fear that passing up opportunities to hold each other accountable would mean coddling people who are causing harm and silencing marginalized people who are harmed.

So we鈥檙e on alert to intervene at every problematic moment鈥攅very ignorant Facebook comment, every oblivious relative, every unwoke friend from middle school.

Which adds up to a lot of time spent advocating for marginalized people鈥攁 worthy cause, for sure.

But it can also mean more emotional exhaustion for you. And having you all day, every day, is bad strategy.

We鈥檙e not born with an awareness of how systems of oppression work.

It鈥檚 more than okay to 鈥攊t鈥檚 actually necessary for your own self-preservation.

Are you afraid of looking like a bad activist if you don鈥檛 gear up for every battle? That鈥檚 an understandable fear, and it shows why a climate of trying to outdo each other as activists isn鈥檛 helpful.

Instead, give yourself a little breathing room. One strategy I use for this is meeting people where they鈥檙e at in their process of learning about oppression.

It is a process for all of us鈥攚e鈥檙e not born with an awareness of how systems of oppression work around us in often invisible ways.

So if my young cousin who鈥檚 just taken her first women鈥檚 studies class makes a problematic comment, I know calling her in with a conversation or passing her an article might be all the energy I need to expend. Waging a public campaign against her isn鈥檛 necessary.

But if the problematic behavior is coming from a women鈥檚 empowerment organization with a big influence, a more public callout may be more effective.

And the random guy who鈥檚 commenting on a public Facebook page? Probably not worth my time. I could take him on if 滨鈥檓 really up for it, but if 滨鈥檓 just doing it for activist points and it鈥檚 going to contribute to my exhaustion at the end of the day, I can save that energy for another time.

3. You鈥檙e using the same strategy for every situation

When 滨鈥檓 feeling the pressure to fight every battle, I tend to check out emotionally. And then every situation feels the same.

But acts of oppression are not all the same, and each situation has a different set of strategies that would be most effective.

While addressing oppression within our communities, the intention may be similar across the board鈥攚e鈥檙e trying to put a stop to harm.

Usually when I talk about oppression, I emphasize 鈥攂ecause no matter how well-meaning someone is, they can still cause harm.

It鈥檚 not always about proving yourself to be the best activist.

Maybe we should consider the same emphasis when we鈥檙e trying to stop oppression. Regardless of our intentions, sometimes the only impact of calling out someone is that we get to feel like we punished them for what they did wrong.

But what about the impact beyond that? Have we actually made things better for the people who were harmed?

These are good questions to consider when you鈥檙e determining the best strategy for the situation. Just like choosing your battles, you can choose a strategy by meeting people where they鈥檙e at.

For instance, if you鈥檙e at a community event with a friend who thinks he鈥檚 being polite by treating women delicately with benevolent sexism, he he鈥檚 being sexist. You may be able to and let him know what he鈥檚 doing without publicly shaming him.

It鈥檚 different when the managers of the venue holding the event are unapologetically upholding rape culture with the way they run their space鈥攖hat has a more dangerous impact. Publicly organizing a boycott to put a stop to this harm could be a good call.

It鈥檚 not always about proving yourself to be the best activist鈥攊t鈥檚 about the ultimate impact of your strategy.

4. You鈥檙e centering yourself on behalf of another group

Being a good intersectional activist includes looking out for marginalized groups that you鈥檙e not a part of.

It鈥檚 essential to stand in solidarity with other groups to take on the multiple systems of oppression working together against all of us.

And sometimes, it seems like there鈥檚 no better way to get 鈥減erforming activism鈥� points than to show off your status as an ally.

While acting as an ally can come from a good place, it can cross the line into performing activism when it鈥檚 more about your than about the group you鈥檙e trying to support.

At times, you might really be the best person to speak up about an issue, and you can help take some of the burden off the shoulders of the group that鈥檚 being harmed.

Are you listening to what鈥檚 best for the group you鈥檙e standing in solidarity with?

But when it comes determining what that group needs, it鈥檚 and follow their lead.

Consider what鈥檚 motivating you to act as an ally鈥攁re you trying to be a perfect ally just for the sake of perfect activism, or to what鈥檚 best for the group you鈥檙e standing in solidarity with?

For instance, if women in your activist circle are speaking up about being harassed by men in your community, and you鈥檙e a man who wants to help, that鈥檚 great. Some men might be more open to listening to you.

But also recognize that it鈥檚 a problem that these men are willing to listen to you, but not to women. If you鈥檙e talking over the women to center what you have to say, you鈥檙e replicating the same harmful patterns that silence women and prioritize men.

So you can use 鈥攂oth calling in, man-to-man, and encouraging men to listen to the women who are directly harmed by this issue.

5. You鈥檙e engaging in respectability politics to police other people鈥檚 behavior

As activists, we can fall into a terrible pattern of standing against shame and judgment 鈥� by shaming and judging each other.

We all know how it feels to be judged. That鈥檚 why we鈥檙e aiming for the kind of liberation that allows us all to be ourselves without being mistreated.

After living with the trauma of being mistreated ourselves, it can be hard to recognize that we鈥檝e turned to judging each other.

When that judgment comes in the name of fighting oppression, it feels like self-protection. I want to feel safe from judgment, so I might police other people鈥檚 tone or hold them to standards of before I accept them as 鈥渞eal鈥� activists.

For instance, this happens a lot with social justice jargon. On one hand, knowing all the means you can name what鈥檚 happening when people are being oppressive, and you can keep up with the best ways to avoid using harmful language.

So it鈥檚 a good goal to try to keep up with it all. But it鈥檚 also realistic to accept that not everyone is able to.

Lots of this language comes from academic institutions and books that not everyone can access. And, while it鈥檚 sometimes true that self-education is just a Google search away, not everyone can access the internet or knows where to begin searching for these terms.

It takes time for other people to learn all the right lingo.

That doesn鈥檛 mean you have to put up with people using harmful language. But remember that, just as you became more politically conscious over time, it takes time for other people to learn all the right lingo.

So if my previously homophobic aunt says she wants to join me at a Pride parade to 鈥渟upport the men and women of the gay community,鈥� that鈥檚 a start. I can let her know that queer communities have people who , and introduce her to more letters in the LGBTQIA+ rainbow.

But I don鈥檛 have to tell her to memorize all of the gender and immediately or GTFO. First I鈥檒l give her a chance to correct her mistake, and help her try her best.

It鈥檚 not as if she鈥檚 in charge of the parade鈥攊f the Pride organizers were the ones using exclusive language, that would be a .

Still, correcting anyone is about the ultimate goal of helping everyone in the LGBTQIA+ community feel welcome鈥攏ot just about judging who鈥檚 an inadequate activist and patting myself on the back for having the bigger vocabulary.

Addressing harmful behavior is important, but so is understanding that everyone is on a different stage of their journey, so we all make mistakes.

And we all have different strengths鈥攕o if someone鈥檚 lacking in one area, such as knowing vocabulary words, we don鈥檛 have to treat them like they鈥檙e totally disposable to the movement. We can help them grow in that area, and hope that others would help us in the areas we need to grow, too.

6. You鈥檙e trying to force someone to be accountable

Accountability is super important for our movements. Without it, we wouldn鈥檛 be able to learn or grow or take responsibility for our part in perpetuating systems of oppression.

But, unfortunately, asking someone to be accountable doesn鈥檛 come with a guarantee that they will be. If you鈥檙e so set on holding someone accountable that you feel like it鈥檚 your responsibility to make them atone for what they鈥檝e done, you鈥檙e forgetting that it鈥檚 actually their responsibility to step up and be accountable.

The pressure of being responsible for someone else鈥檚 actions can take a lot out of you鈥攁nd you shouldn鈥檛 have to feel that burden.

Understand that you can only do so much鈥攖he rest is up to the person who鈥檚 caused harm to recognize what they鈥檝e done wrong and be willing to make a change.

There鈥檚 a difference between inviting them to make a change and trying to force their hand.

Here鈥檚 why that makes a difference when 滨鈥檓 addressing harm within my activist community. Say some feminists 滨鈥檓 working with are making prison rape jokes, and justifying it by saying that people in prison 鈥渄eserve what they get.鈥�

I know that many people were put in prison unfairly鈥攁s a result of that incarcerates people of color at high rates, and a that keeps poor people behind bars. And I know that all incarcerated people, no matter what they鈥檝e done, deserve the basic human dignity of being safe from sexual violence.

I can explain , and invite those making them to hold themselves accountable to doing better. If they refuse, I can even attempt to influence their behavior by telling them that I won鈥檛 work with them, and neither will other feminists who care about prison injustice, unless they make a change.

But there鈥檚 a difference between inviting them to make a change and trying to force their hand.

If I push them into an apology they don鈥檛 really mean, over an issue they don鈥檛 actually understand, they鈥檒l probably continue to demonize incarcerated people and trust that a racist, classist criminal justice system is just locking up 鈥渂ad guys.鈥�

So I鈥檒l tell them the truth鈥攖hat prison jokes are absolutely not okay. But I鈥檒l also try to deliver it with some compassion, understanding that they have a reason to never question a system we鈥檝e been taught to rely on for safety throughout our entire lives.

I feel strongly about , and I can run out of patience for people perpetuate it without understanding what they鈥檙e doing.

But I also know that everyone needs time to learn about each issue. I鈥檇 rather take the time to help them understand than punish them for not getting it.

When it comes to institutions like prisons that actually uphold oppression, 滨鈥檓 all for that demand immediate change.

But when it comes to my fellow activists and community members, I hope that we all have a similar vision. We won鈥檛 always agree, but in working together for that vision, I hope we can hold each other accountable without villainizing each other.

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I also hope it鈥檚 clear that 滨鈥檓 not calling for giving people a pass to be oppressive or marginalized people to be 鈥渘ice鈥� when we鈥檙e protecting ourselves from harm.

滨鈥檝别 about it is for us to be able to express our rage and frustration about the oppression we experience, because it鈥檚 absolutely essential for healing and making change.

So 滨鈥檓 not trying to silence the rage that rightfully shows up when you stand up for yourself and your communities. Instead, 滨鈥檓 saying you deserve to heal from the fear that comes up when you think others will judge you for being an imperfect activist.

And you don鈥檛 have to shame other activists鈥攐r yourself鈥攆or being imperfect.

We can give ourselves and each other room to make mistakes. We can recognize that making a mistake doesn鈥檛 mean you have to crawl into a hole and never show your face among conscious people ever again.

We should do better, and we can do better. Together, we can help each other figure out how鈥攚ithout resorting to punishment.